Escape from Hospital Room 302
by 23dae5dal03ist
Summary: We all know that Alex Rider hates hospitals, but how far will the spy go in order to escape?


**I don't own Alex Rider.**

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><p>It was a well known fact that Alex Rider despised hospitals. To say that he disliked them would be like saying absolute zero is cold or Alan Blunt is creepy, in other words, a gross understatement.<p>

He loathed waking up in the strangling embrace of too sterilized sheets to the incessant beeping of various monitors, they being either his own or another patient's. Their blinking red beams reminding him of his training with Scorpia for night missions. Even worse,though, were the meals. Throughout his missions, Alex had eaten everything from dog stew to even live octopus on one memorable occasion, but the spy wasn't even sure if the food served in St. Dominic's could even be considered such. Especially after Ben stole the jello, the only recognizably edible substance in the hospital, leaving him the boiled carrots.

Above all else, though, Alex hated Diana Meacher. If book characters were real she would be Nurse Ratched, seemingly sweet and innocent on the outside, but cruel and conniving on the inside. Some days Alex fantasized that she was specially trained by Scorpia to annoy him or even MI6 to discourage him from getting hurt, either way it had worked. Alex became even more careful on missions just so he wouldn't have to see her.

Whenever he tried to escape St Dominic's, she was always two steps ahead of him. If he wanted to climb out through the window, she had already barred them. If he tried to go out by way of the vents, she was patiently waiting outside so she could bring him back to his room. After every attempt she always watched him carefully as if waiting for him to make a run for it. Of course, he knew from experience that that never worked. Even thinking of her blank smile made him shudder. And so Alex passed his days contemplating different methods of escaping.

Excluding the time after he was shot by Scorpia, the first time Alex actively tried to escape St. Dominics occurred when he was fifteen and recovering from a mild case of malaria. Though he realized he would be going home in two days, he couldn't wait that long and so the spy convinced Tom to smuggle his climbing gear stuffed in a ratty backpack under the guise of school work.

"I don't know Alex. Are you sure about this?" Tom asked, swallowing nervously.

Alex waved his concern, "I'll be fine. Why are you so afraid? Its not like you're the one risking life and limb."

"These people aren't terrorists-"

"That we know of," The spy interrupted.

"They aren't stupid. When I told the day nurse that I wanted to see you she started giving me the evil eye as if she automatically knew what you were doing."

"Oooh, scary eyes. I'm quaking in my boots." Alex snarked, glancing down at his shoeless feet.

"Stop it, Alex. That's not funny."

The spy sobered, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder, "Seriously Tom. What's the worst that will happen? Tulip will probably just give me a slap on the wrist and saddle me with some cruddy mission."

"If you say so, Alex," Tom replied, glumly.

"Of course I say so. Have you ever doubted me before?"

Tom opened his mouth.

"Don't answer that," The spy ordered. Then, glancing at the digital clock near his bed, he spoke again. "Visiting hours are almost over so you'd better go. I'll call you tomorrow when I'm out of here."

With that statement, Tom left wishing the teen good luck. Alex quickly changed into climbing gear, covering it with one of his thin hospital gowns then settled back under the sheets, setting the alarm for two am.

Waking up to the quiet alarm several hours later, the teen switched it to off. Then, opening the window and wincing when it screeched, he removed the screen and attached an anchor to his hospital bed.

Silently, Alex eased out the window. He was several stories up, below him, young trees danced to a tune only they could hear. He felt like he could throw up. Perhaps he should've waited another day. The spy felt a twinge of doubt. Nothing major, of course, he had, after all done and would continue to do more idiotic things than this, but it seemed to be actively tempting the universe. Alex shrugged it off. He would be fine.

At least, that was what he thought until the window beside him opened as he got halfway down. "Going somewhere, Mr. Rider?" A feminine voice asked sweetly. Alex looked to the open window right of him. Meacher had removed the screen to stick her head out. She continued, now accusingly. "We had to sedate one of our patients because she was having panic attacks. She kept telling us that someone was scaling the walls and trying to break in. I thought she was delusional, but imagine my surprise when I find you out here. Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"I wanted to watch the birds," Alex fibbed. "There aren't many birds around my house and this seemed like the prime bird watching location."

"At three in the morning?" Alex could imagine her thinking 'Why me?'.

"Early bird catches the worm and all that." The spy offered as an explanation.

"The only thing you'll catch out here is a cold." She replied, looking at his short sleeve shirt and bare feet. Meacher opened the window further. "Come back inside." She coaxed, "And we'll get you some hot chocolate from the nurse's station."

Alex opened his mouth to argue, but the nurse beat him to it. "Don't make me get Stacy. I hear she thinks you're adorable."

The spy paled, thinking of the muscular young nurse who had called him a doll earlier coming made all protests die in his throat. He reluctantly swung to the window opening.

…

"Cheer up Alex. I'm sure its not so bad," Tom's perky voice sounded from beside the bed.

The spy sneezed again. "You're not the one who has to deal with her smug glances all the time. She threatened that if I tried to escape again she would station Stacy by my door. I could tell she meant it too."

Tom pat him on the back mockingly. "Only three more days to go. And to think you could've been out of here two days ago."

"I need better friends," Alex muttered to himself glumly.

""What was that?"

"Go. Just go."

"Bye Alex," Tom waved cheerily.

ACHOO!

...

He had just turned sixteen at the time of what was to be his next attempt. It came to him one day, while recovering from a cyanide poisoning and watching a visiting specialist check over another patient, that he had once again found a way to escape.

"Why exactly did you have someone forge fake ID badges for this hospital?" Tom Harris asked, inspecting the card with a quizzical expression.

The spy paused in pulling on a pair of red scrubs. He had been taken off the IV drip earlier that morning and felt that it was best for all parties if he simply disappeared from the hospital. "Because I am awesome, Tom."

The boy looked skeptical so Alex decided to throw him a bone. Metaphorically, of course. "With the way things were turning out, I realized it was only a matter of time before I ended up in one of these hospital beds again so I decided to have a backup plan."

Tom shook his head ruefully before putting on the blonde wig and hospital robe, "Only you Alex, only you."

"Remember Tom, to stay in the bed for an hour. If anyone comes in don't show your face."

"Yeah, yeah I get it. The things I do for you." The boy mumbled somewhat resentfully as the spy snuck out of the room.

Freedom was a siren's song, getting stronger as Alex walked through the corridors unchallenged by the personnel. He was close enough to see the sliding doors when he was interrupted.

"Doctor Bones?" That was what was written on the spy's name tag. "Your patient is ready." She held him too tightly for him to break free. The nurse didn't wait for his reply as she automatically lead him away from freedom and toward what he would learn was the maternity ward.

…

"You want me to do _what?" _Alex looked from the nurse beside him to the heavily pregnant woman then back again, wondering what sort of cruel joke this was.

"You told me last month you wanted experience delivering babies so we called you in when one of our doctors had a family emergency."

It seemed she had seen his scared expression. "Dr. Quak will walk you through it since according to our files, this is your first during your residency."

A man with a bandaged right hand winked at him. Seeing where his gaze was directed the man told him he had had a little accident with one of the patients. The patient in disguise winced internally.

"The baby's coming,"The woman on the bed grit out, though in much coarser language that one wouldn't associate with a soon to be mother. Alex was convinced some deity up there was laughing at him. More than ever the spy wished he had never left the relative safety of his room.

…

"Thank you so much." The happily smiling couple told Alex while cooing over their new baby girl six hours later. Several nurses gathered around to witness the adorable sight. Dr. Quak had left.

Alex allowed himself to breathe a sigh of relief. As much as he hated MI6, their lessons were good for something.

"Where have you been?" A furious screech sounded from behind him, making everyone in the surrounding area flinch. The teen turned around to see the harpy was none other than Meacher.

She latched onto his arm, dragging him towards the door all the while muttering about patients impersonating doctors. Another nurse stopped her. "What are you talking about? That's Doctor Bones. He's been delivering this couple's baby for the last six hours."

Meacher's glare was strong enough to strip paint. "Doctor Bones huh? Last I heard he requested the week off to visit some relatives in Wales." She ignored the nurse who suddenly paled. "Mr. Rider, on the other hand, was found missing from his bed six hours ago. The nurses have been scouring the floor for him ever since."

The boy glanced pleadingly at those around him, but found no help. He heard chuckling; Dr. Quak was back once more. "Son, when a woman drags you somewhere, never resist. Come back in a few years, though, we could use more people like you. Of course, you should become a doctor first."

…

Sixteen-year-old Alex Rider wondered what sort of deity he had offended to get himself stuck in the hospital three months after he had left it. The spy blamed Ben for the indignity. He had been stabbed while walking home and instead of letting the teen quietly handle it the man had gone ballistic, breaking several speed limits to get him to MI6's dumping ground for injured agents aka St. Dominics. With the amount of times he had been there, Alex was just pleased MI6 didn't make him pay his own hospital bills.

"Why is it always me you call to break you out of the hospital?" Tom Harris moaned.

The spy looked at him as if asking why he was questioning this. It was a valid point, but Alex doubted Ben would help him get out after all the time he spent getting the boy in.

Tom understood. "Fair enough. You're fine now, aren't you." The boy tried to examine the other for signs that he might keel over in the next thirty seconds.

"Yeah Tom. Did you get what I asked for?"

"What is it anyway?" He pulled out a medium-sized box from his backpack as well as a sheet detailing the nurse's schedule.

Alex studied it minutely before handing it back to the boy. "Thanks Tom. I'll see you tomorrow."

Tom snorted. "Like I haven't heard that one before. Just stay safe."

…

Ten minutes until Meacher's shift ended and Alex or should he say Alexandra was ready to go. Tom had brought the wrong disguise so instead of pretending to be Mr. Banks, the father of the patient three doors down and an unassuming old man who visited often enough that check-in wouldn't be suspicious, Alex was a twenty-something, blonde female.

He gazed into the mirror of the bathroom he had barricaded himself in. The spy would be the first to admit that he looked good. Though that was the point as the last time he had worn this costume, he and Ben were on a stake out where he had needed to pose as a girl. A curly, blonde wig topped with a floppy hat obscured his face while a fashionable scarf hid has adams apple. Makeup and padding went a long way as well to give him assets he didn't have.

Finally, the boy stepped into a pair of torture devices women called heels and swayed, but he was determined not to be slowed down by the lingering effects of blood loss. Being careful to look both ways, he took a deep breath and stepped out into the hall.

Alex strolled unmolested through the hallways, passing by the brunette receptionist and out the sliding doors. A sense of freedom surged in his veins, catching a ride on the red blood cells to infect the nerves and the extremities before finally metastasizing in the spy's brain. Only years of controlling all aspects of his behavior kept Alex from whooping with joy. The teen began walking towards the bus stop.

Meanwhile in the parking lot, Diana Meacher glanced disgustedly at her car which would not start. It had been a terrible day and she just wanted to go home to a warm bubble bath and her cat. One of her nurses had messed up their calculations, leading to a patient going into cardiac arrest. Then Dr. Bones had had a nervous breakdown when he delivered a child for the first time while she was assisting. And if that wasn't enough to classify her day as terrible, then it went from bad to worse as that Rider brat was once again admitted. She was only thankful that she had the rest of the week off and he couldn't have tried to escape in so little amount of time. The nurse sighed as she recalled that the last bus for the day left in five minutes.

Alex wobbled, but quickly corrected himself. He would be home by nightfall and that was all that mattered at the moment. He realized that after this he would need to lay low for a while until Ben stopped nagging him that couldn't he just be normal for once and not try to escape from the hospital.

When Ben found out he had escaped, the first place he would look for the spy would be the tube, but regretfully Alex didn't have enough cash on hand to pay for a taxi as he had spent most of it on his last two fake IDs and MI6 wouldn't be paying him till Monday.

He could already tell within minutes of sitting down that the ride would be hell. There was no other way of expressing it. The smell of sweaty socks, warm garbage, with hints of the boy's locker room intermingled to form a potent miasma which permeated from the the ripped, blue plastic seats. The green pine sol air freshener up front seemed to be mocking the boy's existence.

The spy took in the other passengers.

Despite being a Friday the bus seemed empty; most of the other passengers didn't seem to mind, though. To his right there was some college student wearing a navy blue sweatshirt advertising some University catching up on sleep. He'd been there awhile, judging by the trail of drool collected on the window he was leaning against. Electric green ear buds jutted out from his ears with what music Alex thought must be rap.

From what he could see a few seats ahead sat some prim and proper-looking lady sitting daintily on the edge of her seat, crossed ankles and all. The spy shuddered, she reminded him of the old hag he had had for a piano teacher on one of his missions. Unconsciously, he rubbed at phantom scars from her ruler upon his knuckles. MI6 wouldn't let him quit, but Alex never took up another instrument after that. Unlike Ms. Larsons however, he saw that from her blonde, salon styled curls to her red, six inch heels which could've been classified as a weapon, the woman screamed money. Figuratively, of course. Most likely old wealth as her countenance beheld a permanent expression of distaste. The spy knew the type intimately and wondered why she was on a bus when she was clearly accustomed to riding in higher class cars like a Ferrari or Mercedes.

At the front sat a Hispanic family, a little girl of four or five bounced on what looked like her father's lap while giggling at some story being told by her grandmother as two older boys closer to his age looked on in vague was no mother. They had been to the Big Ben recently based on their brochures and matching T-shirts.

Not all the passengers were so clean, however. The spy heard hints of some sort of drug deal going on in one of the seats behind me, as was common on these buses. Both were trying to be incognito, dressing in loose jeans that showed their boxers and black sweatshirts that stood out on the formerly eighty degree day. Alex imagined that they were trying to act like spies, of course they were probably just bumbling teenagers.

The driver fit right in. He looked to be in his late teens, and judging by the state of the wrinkled blue uniform with a dull white tag advertising his name as 'Dave', most likely didn't have much going for him. That, and the permanently stoned expression that had taken residence on his face. Dave appeared a couple of fries short of a happy meal.

The doors were about to close when Meacher scurried onto the bus. Alex inwardly blanched as she sat next to him, but forced himself to smile pleasantly. "You work at the hospital?" Alex asked several minutes after they had introduced each other. He pitched his voice in such a way that it sounded undeniably feminine.

"Yes, I'm one of the floor nurses. I'm afraid I can't tell you much else. Patient confidentiality and all that." Alex laughed along with her.

"You must ride the bus a lot in order to get to work." Alex figured any information he could get on Meacher's routine would help him in the long run.

"No, my car broke down today. So here I am."

"That's too bad." Alex felt no pity for the woman, but whatever she was about to say was cut off as the two hooligans in the back put a gun to the driver's head and told passengers to give up their cell phones.

The spy felt a wave of incredulousness. What kind of idiot held up a bus?

"Put your cell phone and any valuables in the bag." Alex rolled his eyes, the boy was holding his gun in such a way that he would break a finger if he actually fired it. Meacher elbowed him.

The hooligan saw his eye roll, "Are you disrespecting me." He waved his gun toward Alex's face. "If you don't pay me now, I'll just have to take something from you later." The boy leered; Alex gagged.

"Sorry, but I don't think you will." The spy sneered. The delinquent grabbed Alex's wig only to have it come off. Alex wondered who was more surprised, the man who realized that the woman he was threatening was really a boy or Alex who was taken off guard by the loss of his extensions. While he was distracted, the sixteen-year-old disarmed him then knocked him unconscious.

Idiot number two turned around only for Alex to disarm him by throwing one of his disguise's prosthetics, revealing himself to be a boy. Both were duly tied up by the Hispanic man while the rich lady, whose name was Isabella, phoned the police.

Alex sat back down queasily only to have Meacher grab his arm. "Don't think you're getting out of this one easily, Buster."

...

"Why did you call me, again? Ben Daniels asked gazing at the seventeen-year-old who bounced on the hospital bed.

"Tom was out of town and you were the only option."

"I'm not going to help you break out of the hospital where you belong."

"I'm fine, Ben. It's not even life-threatening.

"But-"

"It's only dehydration. Between the both of us we could set up our own field hospital with all the equipment and medical experience we have."

Ben Daniels was silent, his expression disapproving. "Why should I help you?"

"I'm calling in a favor. You owe me from Bulgaria."

The older spy's eyebrow twitched. "That shouldn't count."

"All you need to do is distract the nurses so I can escape."

"And if I don't?" He threatened.

"Then I'll forward those videos to k-unit of you singing karaoke last year. I'm sure they'll love your rendition of Barbie Girl."

Ben paled. "You wouldn't."

"Try me."

Ben was the first to break. "Fine, but you'll destroy those videos after this."

...

Once again, Alex slipped out of his room while Ben flirted with the nurses. His eye twitched as his gaze fell upon the gold stenciled design that proclaimed the room as his own. Apparently, the spy was admitted enough that they had dispensed with the room numbers and instead gave him his own room as a joke.

He was given no trouble in the hallways, though he had to duck into patient's rooms twice to avoid detection by patrolling nurses. Alex then used the dumbwaiter to get into the kitchens and slipped out through the delivery entrance. Within fifteen minutes the spy was out of the hospital and on the road toward Ben's house.

It took one tube ride, two bus rides and a taxi ride before Alex showed up at the older spy's house. Alex's watch read seven-thirty by the time he arrived. The door was locked, but was easily picked. He had always harped on Ben to get better security, but the man defended himself, saying that there was no point when it was only Alex who broke in.

A light shone from the dining room, a testament to its occupation. Alex heard giggling. He made a face, either Ben was high or he had brought someone home with him. The youth should have turned away and stayed in his room, but overpowering curiosity got the best of him and he approached the light.

The spy wished he hadn't. Ben and Meacher sat across from each other. From their semi formal clothes to the nurse's giggling at the other spy's horrible French accent, it was obvious they were on a date. Meacher noticed him before Alex could compute the implications.

"Who is this, Ben?" She asked, squinting at him in the dim light.

The spy blanched. "That's Alex. We work together."

"I thought you said you worked at a bank."

Alex stepped in before the spy could implicate both of them. "It's an after school thing ma'am. I want to become a bank manager when I get out of school." Both of them relaxed, believing she had bought the lie.

"That's funny. I happen to know a boy whose name is Alex.

"Its a common name," The teen defended.

"He looks like you as well, but I'm probably just hallucinating. After all, Alex Rider is supposed to be sleeping in his room right now, not interrupting my dates with strangers who happen to turn up and distract all the nurses while their friends slip away." She glared at them both before either could deny her charges. "I should report you two, but I won't."

Both spies looked as if Christmas had come early. "Really?"

"While I didn't expect to see Alex so early, I shouldn't be surprised. I propose a deal for my silence."

"I'm not going to like this, am I?" Alex muttered.

The woman looked amused.

…

Years later, when a now older and hopefully wiser Alex came into the hospital he was prepared, but so was Meacher.

The woman glared at the twenty-year-old. "Why can't you just wait to get out of the hospital like any ordinary person."

"I think that by now you have realized that I'm no ordinary person."

"I won't let you escape." She promised.

Alex smirked. "Sorry sweetheart, but I'm not gonna stay here."

"I'm not your sweetheart." Meacher crossed her arms while fingering a radio. "There are staff members monitoring all the exits. If you even walk out your door, we'll know. We even have permission to check any and all packages that you receive."

The spy's expression didn't falter in the slightest. "Good thing I'm prepared." He jumped out the window.

Meacher's eyes widened as she dropped the radio and rushed to the window. Guilt churned in her stomach as the woman forced herself to look. She whimpered, but all Meacher saw were trees swaying down below.

"Hey Meacher, up here" Wind whipped her hair as the nurse forced herself to look up. Instead of being a puddle of blood and gore at the bottom of the building, Alex Rider grinned lazily from the passenger's seat of a black military helicopter. He mock saluted her.

"How-"

"See ya' around, Meacher." The spy turned to Tom who was piloting the chopper.

"Was that really necessary?" Tom asked, between adjusting his controls and handing Alex a helmet.

"Absolutely."

"I'm starting to believe that you only paid for my flying lessons so you could get out of the hospital."

"Among other things," Alex shrugged.

" You actually admit it?"

"Yep, but its a nice day to be flying."

"That it is." And it was, the setting sun threw the sky into a glorious series of reds, oranges, and golds. They passed over commuters heading home from a long day at work and children playing in the park below.

"Alex?"

"What?"

"We should probably head back to the airport before they realize one of their helicopters is missing."

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><p><strong>I like reviews.<strong>


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